Fancy hobnobbing with the London fashion scene but worried getting turned away by a smug fashionista with a clipboard? With few simple guidelines you could be rubbing shoulders with Who's Who of the East End in no time.
Before leaving the house a small action plan is recommended; Google your club history, know your people and decide what to wear. Even if your first clubbing experience was a week ago you should know what and when Family was, extra points being rewarded for knowing the legend behind the "All You Can Eat” night. Look up photos on dirtydirtydancing.com, and learn the faces, the pecking order here is complicated and just because someone is not a big name in fashion doesn't mean they can't summon everyone's fury when you give them a funny look
Dressing wise the rules are simple. If you are beautiful anything goes, if you look ordinary dress to impress. If you feel slightly uncomfortable on your way to the club you are probably on the right track. Remember, anything goes it just has to be right kind of anything! If dressing up proves too difficult, get a long coat and keep it on until you get past the door whore (The coat can hide many high street sins). Never claim to be wearing high fashion when you aren't, these people know every single designer out there and you will be caught. The amount of Art students claiming to be wearing an Original Gareth Pugh is embarrassing!
Even if you have managed to get yourself on the guest list, turn up earlier than you think is necessary. Name on the list often guarantees entry but not queue jump, getting stuck outside for an hour is definitely worse than arriving when the place is semi-empty. If and when you do have to queue, do not heckle at people who strut past you, there is always a reason for them having that privilege.
Try to remember that the scene is gay orientated but surprisingly straight, no-one really cares and neither should you. Do not snigger at the drag queens, and for God's sake, leave your homophobic friends at home. Everybody goes out to be seen, and most people are self-conscious, they just hide it marvellously well. Try not to look uncomfortable as nothing screams outsider more than shifty eyes and nervous smile. As a rule these clubs have an army of semi professional club photographers so rather than attempting to snap a photo of Peaches or Kelly with your mobile, get in front of the flashing lights and strike a pose. Why should you let someone else steal the limelight after all the hard work you’ve done?
After recovering from your hangover you can enjoy the fruits of your successful night out. Facebook everyone you met in the club "Oh Darling, you looked gorgeous on Sunday! Where did you say you got your dress from? ". Before you know it, you are part of the in crowd, standing outside the next must-be-seen club with a clipboard, fashionable clothes and smug smile on your face, complaining to anyone who listens how they let anyone in these days, compared to the good old time two months ago.
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